Today's Joke

[ROBERT M.]

I do believe Keith or someone else gave us that funny joke a few day's ago Marian ..............another senior "episode" Marian ??

[Marian]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his hired BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my b a lls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

Yes, many of the jokes are old Robert, and might have been used before. I'd not seen it anyway so maybe others missed it too.

[mariana44]

I had not seen that one before Marian--the one with the Welsh name, I mean---nor the Tiger Woods one !

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Ha Ha, great stuff . We Hadn't seen the Burger King joke on here before either although we had heard it before from comedian Martin Gold who has been Al Martino's warm up artist Three times, and he said Mac Donalds instead of Burger king.
That's about Three senior moments recently Robert. We can't have this. You're supposed to be watching for our c.ock-ups

Loved the golf story too Marian. Ha Ha
As for the footballers gaffes. It goes to show. Money can buy lots of things but not brains.

[keithgood838]

The following are responses to Health Care Initiatives
from the Obama administration, courtesy of Ed:

TOPICAL RETORTS

Allergists voted to scratch the plans, but dermatologists
advised against any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about the proposals,
and the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt they were labouring under a misconception.
Opthalmologists considered the ideas shortsighted.

Oncologists feared they were malignant, while osteopaths saw them as holistic.

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while radiologists could see right through it.

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but urologists
were peed off by the concept.

Anaesthesiologists thought the plans were a gas,
and cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

Finally, proctologists won out, leaving the whole matter
to the ...holes in Washington.

Keith

[keithgood838]

BEREFT BOVINE

Two cows encounter each other while grazing.
Daisy ruefully informs Dolly:
'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' exclaims Dolly.
'It's true, no bull,' asserts Daisy.
Keith

[ROBERT M.]

It has come to me now where I read the "Burger King" joke.....................someone sent me an email the other day with the joke enclosed..............so I do beg your pardon Marian, as it wasn't previously on here at all

[Marian]

That's okay Robert.
Marian

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Perhaps Keith's joke was a reminder of the Burger King Joke.

[keithgood838]

CENTURION COMIC

Bob Hope was born in Eltham, south east London, in 1903.
Today is the anniversary of his departure from this dimension.
The following are just some of the milestones along the 'roads'
of the comedy-king's long, laughter-strewn journey through life:

On turning 70:
'You still chase women, but only downhill.'

On turning 80:
'That's the time in your life when your birthday suit needs pressing.'

On turning 90:
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

On turning 100:
'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon;
then it's time for my nap.'

On giving up his early boxing career:
''I ruined my hands in the ring, the referee kept stepping on them.'

On sailors:
'They spend the fisrt six days of each week sowing their wild oats,
then they go to church to pray for crop failure.'

On never winning an Oscar:
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's called in my home,
"Passover"'

On golf:
'Golf is my profession, show business is just to pay the green fees.'

On presidents:
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

On why he chose a show business career:
'When I was born the doctor said to my mother,
"Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham."'

On receiving The Congressional Gold medal:
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character
to fight it'

On his six brothers:
'That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.'

On his early failures:
'I wouldn't have anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff
the audience threw at me.'

On going to heaven:
'I've done benefits for all religions, I'd hate to miss out on the hereafter
on a technicality.'

Bob Hope (29 May 1903 - 27 July 2003)







'

[mariana44]

Bob Hope was so funny--George and I used to love watching "The Road" series of films.

[keithgood838]

CLASSIFICATIONS CRASH

Two lorries loaded with copies of Roget's Thesaurus
collided as they left a London publishers last Friday.
According to Reuters, witnesses were shocked, stunned,
dismayed, ahgast, taken aback, startled, discombobulated ...

Keith

[keithgood838]

THE CURRENT CONTAGION
(its side (splitting?) effects)

Got swine flu? Save someone's bacon - stay at home
until you're cured.

I called the swine flu advice line
and all I got was crackling.

It is rumoured that the NHS is handing out anti-swine flu soap.
It's hogwash.

Swine flew? I find that hard to believe.

I consulted my computer about swine flu,
but it warned me against downloading a virus.

Keith

[Marian]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

[mariana44]

Very good !!!