Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

Very funny, Marian(a). Such constructions are called mondegreens.
The word mondegreen was coined by American author Sylvia Wright
and is based on a mishearing of an old Scottish ballad, 'They have slain
the Earl of Murray and laid him on the green.'
A well-known ecclesiastical one: 'My cross-eyed bear.'
Keith

[keithgood838]

BUDGET-BUSTIN' BUDGIE

With echoes of the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch,
in reverse, a client rushes his comatose budgie to the vet's
in the vain hope that his beloved pet may not be dead.
'I can't be certain without further tests,'
asserts the veterinary surgeon.
Into the surgery comes his labrador, which sniffs the bird
then shakes his head.
Next the vet brings in a cat, which looks at the bird
in typically imperious feline fashion then slinks away.
'Sadly, I can now confirm that your budgie is dead,'
announces the vet.
'That'll be £1,010 please.'
'What?' splutters the indignant client.
'In excess of a grand just to tell me my budgie is dead?'
'Fraid so,' replies the vet.
'Normally it would be a tenner,
but you had the lab report and the cat scan.'

Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Another good one Keith, thanks for the humour

[keithgood838]

It's always a pleasure to contribute to Michele's marvellous
website, L&H. In my mind's eye I see Matt up there allowing
himself the occasional wry smile.
Keith

[Marian]

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church ,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue...


Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.


The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called
circ umcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

A cut and dried story then Marian., or a nut and hide story ...boom boom.

[keithgood838]

I think I'll squirrel that nut-sweet joke away
for future consumption, Marian.
Keith

[keithgood838]

Time for another slice of tasty cake
courtesy of chef Ed who loves to bake.

WHY GUYS PREFER GUNS TO GALS

(1) You can trade in an old .44 for a new .22

(2) You can keep one gun at home
and keep another for when you're on the road.

(3) If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so,
he will probably let you try it a few times.

(4) Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep
another gun for backup.

(5) Your gun will stay with you even
if you run out of ammo.

(6) A gun doesn't take up a lot of space.

(7) Guns function normally every day of the month.

(8) A gun doesn't ask: 'Do these new grips
make me look fat?'

(9) A gun doesn't go to sleep after you use it.

The clincher:
(10) You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Keith
Maybe the foregoing explains why
Americans are averse to gun laws.
(Only joking, ladies)

[keithgood838]

Here's one for bubbly brunette, Anna,
the pride of the Church of Scotland in Edinburgh
and progenitor of this most popular thread:

CLASSROOM CONFUSION
(That which we call a rose ...)

The teacher asked the class to draw
their individual images of God.
She then walked among the desks
in helpful invigilatory fashion,
and, seeing little Tommy had titled his effort:
'Harold Witchart', muttered censoriously:
'I thought I told you to draw a picture of God.'
'I have,' replied Tommy earnestly.
'It says in the Lord's Prayer:
"Our father Witchart in heaven,
Harold be thy name."'

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

Good one Keith

[keithgood838]

Thanks Robert. Here are some more humorous
on-board airline announcements:

IN-FLIGHT FUNNIES

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
in the event of an emergency water landing please
paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments.'

'As you exit the plane make sure you gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses.'

And from a captain during his welcome message:
'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight.'

Keith
(Just a reminder that the foregoing
come courtesy of our Ed.)

[keithgood838]

FALLING ABOUT

Paddy was puzzled and enquired of Mick:
'Why do scuba divers always fall into the water backwards?'
'Because,' replied Mick sardonically,
'if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.'

Keith

[Marian]

That's really funny Keith! Are you home from your hols? Hope you had a good time.
Marian

[keithgood838]

Thanks, Marian. We had perfect weather for golf
in West Cork and of course we relished all of the attendant delights.
I commenced the reunion musical evening with a Matt Monro
(who else) song, which in turn inspired a little verse.
The finished version to follow. It's nice to come back to earth
on the forum.
Keith

[keithgood838]

PERVERSE PHILOSOPHY

A hapless man was assaulted by thugs
and left bleeding and moaning in the gutter.
The first passer-by averted his gaze,
and the second passed by on the other side of the street -
there was no sign of a good Samaritan when he was
'sorely' needed.
A social worker appeared on the scene; she stared
at the stricken victim and declared matter-of-factly:
'Tut, tut, whoever who did that needs help.'

Keith