Today's Joke

Have you read something that you would like to share with others - now is your chance
User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sat Oct 24, 2009 12:51 pm

We have one in Reading about someone who was blown off the roof of a building in a whirlwind!

MURPHY'S DICTUM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can get more with a smile and a gun,

than you can get with a smile alone.

~~~

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

~~~

He who laughs lasts, thinks slowest.

~~~

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
~~~

Those who live by the sword,

get shot by those who don't.

~~~

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

~~~

The 50-50-90 Rule:

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,

there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~~~

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

~~~

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

~~~

The things that come to those who wait,

will be the things left by those who got there first.

~~~

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish , and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

~~~

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

~~~

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

~~~

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

~~~

When you go into court,

you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people,

who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

:D :D

User avatar
ROBERT M.
Posts: 22569
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:58 pm
Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sat Oct 24, 2009 11:46 pm

"Conked Out" is the headline on the headstone of John Le Mesurrier :)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

User avatar
GregT
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 3:58 am
Location: Sunbury,Melbourne AUSTRALIA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by GregT » Sun Oct 25, 2009 2:18 am

A lovely selection,Marian. I'll pinch a couple of these..if you don't mind.!
Greg
"We should have met, Some years ago"

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Oct 25, 2009 9:57 am

I don't mind at all Greg! They're not really mine you know. :D :D
Marian :wink:

User avatar
GregT
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 3:58 am
Location: Sunbury,Melbourne AUSTRALIA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by GregT » Sun Oct 25, 2009 10:09 am

Wow...knock me over with a feather...I actually CONNECTED with someone on the site...
and what a lovely someone.
Thanks Marian..It's ten past eight on Sunday night over here (25th)...what's on the agenda for you today?
Greg.
"We should have met, Some years ago"

User avatar
mariana44
Posts: 16367
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:26 pm
Location: Kent

Re: Today's Joke

Post by mariana44 » Sun Oct 25, 2009 10:12 am

It could be something to do with our clocks going back an hour last night !!!
Mariana

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Oct 25, 2009 10:17 am

Hi Greg, it's 9.15a.m. here in the U.K. We turned our clocks back last night, so enjoyed another hour in bed this morning.
I have visitors so we are taking them out for lunch later. The weather is bright and sunny so it looks like a promising day!
Marian :D

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sun Oct 25, 2009 1:23 pm

Bliss it is to be alive

Marian enjoyed an hour in bed,
her day is sunny and bright;
in his heaven is her godhead
and with her world all is right.

Keith :wink:

User avatar
Marian
Posts: 20956
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 3:02 pm
Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Oct 25, 2009 3:42 pm

Thank you Keith. :D Happy to have given you a small chink of inspiration today!! :lol: :lol:
Marian :wink:

User avatar
Sandra
Posts: 12241
Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:57 pm
Location: lincoln .lincolnshire

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Sandra » Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:12 pm

From another thread:


DUST IF YOU MUST.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER TO PAINT A PICTURE,
OR WRITE A LETTER,BAKE A CAKE,MAKE A QUILT OR PLANT A SEED
PONDER THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WANT AND NEED.

DUST IF YOU MUST.
BUT THERE IS NOT MUCH TIME,
WITH RIVERS TO SWIM AND MOUNTAINS TO CLIMB!
MUSIC TO HEAR,AND BOOKS TO READ.
FRIENDS TO CHERISH AND LIFE TO LEAD.

DUST IF YOU MUST.
BUT THE WORLD'S OUT THERE WITH THE
SUN IN YOUR EYES,
THE WIND IN YOUR HAIR,A
FLUTTER OF SNOW,A SHOWER OF RAIN.
THIS DAY WILL NOT COME ROUND AGAIN.

DUST IF YOU MUST.
BUT BEAR IN MIND,OLD AGE WILL COME AND IT'S NOT KIND.
AND WHEN YOU GO,AND GO YOU MUST,
YOU,YOURSELF,WILL MAKE MORE DUST.

User avatar
ROBERT M.
Posts: 22569
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:58 pm
Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:22 pm

I was up an extra hour last night...........cannot waste the full extra hour in bed :wink: :)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

User avatar
ROBERT M.
Posts: 22569
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:58 pm
Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:25 pm

Aparently we are the only country in the EU thats puts the clocks back an hour :wink: I wish we could do the same as the rest of Europe...........the dark nights are soo depressing :roll:
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Mon Oct 26, 2009 8:42 pm

Here is an antidote to your wintertime blues, Robert.

THE MEANING OF LOVE
(From a survey of four to eight-year-olds)

'When my grandmother got arthritis she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age eight

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age four

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume
and a boy puts on shaving cream,
and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age five

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody
your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age six

'Love is when Mommy makes coffee for Daddy
and takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure it's okay.'
Danny - age seven

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Bobby - age seven

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age seven

'Love is when your puppy licks your face
even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age four

'When you love somebody your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you.'
Karen - age seven

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it;
but if you mean it you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age eight

Upon seeing a recently widowed elderly neighbour
cry, a little boy went next door, climbed onto his lap,
and just sat there.
When his mother enquired as to what the little boy
said to the neighbour, he replied:
'Nothing, I just help him cry.'

Keith :)
The surprisingly profound answers to questions posed by a group
of professionals to children in America. (Kindly emailed to me by our
Ed in Oralndo.)
Last edited by keithgood838 on Tue Oct 27, 2009 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Gray
Posts: 2448
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:57 am
Location: York, North Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Gray » Tue Oct 27, 2009 7:16 am

Wonderful.

User avatar
keithgood838
Posts: 2478
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:30 pm

Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu Oct 29, 2009 12:06 pm

Thanks, Gray. It seems a shame that children have to grow
into adults and lose their innocent, imaginative charm.

ADDENDUM

As a postscript to our Endearing Epitaphs I would like to suggest
the inscription that might appear on my own headstone:

Frustratingly, there is no revision facility on this forum.

Keith :wink:
(But not for ages yet.)

Post Reply

Return to “Thought of the Day”