Today's Joke

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very good, quite a relief after all those motto jokes out of Christmas crackers.

[keithgood838]

BURNING ISSUES

In Charlotte, North carolina, a lawyer purchased
a box of expensive cigars and insured it against,
of all things, fire.
He smoked the entire contents, then made a claim
stating that the cigars were lost in a series of small
fires - and won damages in the sum of $15,000
on the grounds that, although the judge agreed
that the claim was frivolous, the company had failed
to define 'unacceptable fire' and was obligated
to honour it.
The company then counter-sued and the lawyer
was arrested on 24 counts of arson. His own insurance
claim was used against him and he was convicted
of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail with a $24.000 fine.

Keith
(This email from Ed states that it is a true story
and the winner of an Annual Lawyers' Award.)

[mariana44]

That is amazing! Also goes to show that lawyers are not always as clever as they think.!!!

[Gray]

Incredible.

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Justice prevailed in the end i reckon

[keithgood838]

HEROINE WORSHIP

I think I am in love with American writer and humorist,
Dorothy Parker - albeit posthumously. Here are some samples
of her memorably caustic observations:

'A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.'

'If all the girls who attended the Yale prom
were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.'

'Brevity is the soul of lingerie.'

'I don't care what is written about me
so long as it isn't true.'

'There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit;
wit has truth in it, wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.'

'The two most beautiful words in the English language
are: cheque enclosed.'

'Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
a medley of extemporanea;
and love is a thing that never go wrong,
and I am Marie of Romania.'

Keith

[Marian]

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following
password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password, he said " Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include
at least one capital!"


SO WHATS WRONG WITH DAT ????

[Gray]

[Don Cooper]

Half a Smilie, Marian. My Gaelic-half is thinking : " Cheek o' the one! " x 50%

Marian also wrote:

SO WHATS WRONG WITH DAT ????

It just never really caught-on. MP3,iPod etc simply stole its thunder.Still used in Professional Recording Studio's for Demo transfer and in Live-Music situations.Ask Richard...

(That'll teach you )

Don

[keithgood838]

SERVICE
(with an Ed Harrod smile?)

I was always agnostic about the word 'service'
when used in the following contexts:

Internal Revenue Service

US Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

Customer Service etc.

Than one day I overheard two farmers in fundamental conversation:
one told the other that he had hired a bull to 'service' some of his cows,
and in that moment of revelation any lingering doubts were instantly dispelled.

Keith

[Don Cooper]

They were only kissing, Keith :

Lip service


Don

[Gray]

[Marian]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in this category or "Food for Thought"!

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bast ards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

[keithgood838]

Appealing xenophobic one Marian. Some relief for the Irish
from whom you have turned away your humorous fire,
at least for the time being.
Belated congratulations to you and L&H on your prolific
posts totals - iimpressive enough to inspire poetic praise.
Keith

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Very suitable for this category Marian, it raises a few nods and smiles in recognition.
Thanks for your kind words Keith