Today's Joke

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:01 am

Eman, referring back to the Schnauzer joke,
the following is a true story, in similar vein,
told by a friend of ours who shall be nameless.
I have posted it here previously; however
I cannot remember the title I gave it then.
This will have to suffice:

MORTIFYING MEDICATION

His dog contracted a mild dose of mange
and a neighbour of his told him about a cure
obtainable at a chemist's. Since it comprised
an abstruse formula and a obscure name he
wrote it on a piece of paper.
Our friend presented it to the chemist who,
on handing over the medication, asked:
'Have you used this product before?'
Being in a hurry and not wishing to hear a long
lecture on the subject, our friend replied:
'Oh, I use it all the time.'
When he arrived home and examined the
packet's contents carefully they read:
'Pubic Hair Remover.'

:wink:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Mon Oct 22, 2012 9:41 am

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where Have You been? "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"......and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual , he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!" she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Last edited by karl on Mon Oct 22, 2012 10:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:07 pm

OMG Keith, that was classic!!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:04 pm

Thanks Eman; however I was 'hanging' on every word
of Karl's wordplay joke.

SCENE SETTING

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is badly shaken up,
offers him a swig from his hip flask. The doctor accepts
gratefully, hands back the flask and is surprised to see
the lawyer put it back in his pocket:
'Aren't you having one yourself?' he enquires incredulously.
'Certainly,' asserts the lawyer.
'But I'll wait till after the police leave.'

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Mon Oct 22, 2012 8:20 pm

LOL..no wonder lawyers are called ambulence chasers! LOL Slick really slick!! LOL

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:34 pm

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favouriter rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butchy's bell hadn't rung at all.

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He's sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The restult was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:45 pm

Old Butch deserved his prizes, Karl.
One for ingenuity and one for prolificity -
I love a literary laugh:

ETYMOLOGICAL ENIGMAS

Why has the word 'monosyllabic' got five syllables?

Why is there no other word for 'thesaurus'?

Is there another word for 'synonym'?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

When a building is finished shouldn't it be called a 'built'?

:wink:
Last edited by keithgood838 on Sat Oct 27, 2012 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Sat Oct 27, 2012 7:21 pm

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

My missus and I decided to avail ourselves of a breakfast
'seniors' special' offer at a local eaterie: eggs, bacon, sausages,
mushrooms and fried bread for £3.99.
'Sounds good,' my better half declared flatteringly,
'the ideal fuel to re-energise the old tank prior to embarking on
a day's shopping; but minus the eggs for me, please.'
'Then I'll have to charge you £4.99 because you are ordering
a la carte,' announced the waitress sniffily.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
'Yes!'
'Okay,' asserted my missus, 'in that case I'll have the entire
special after all'.
'How do you want your eggs?' enquired the waitress who seemed
to be in need of a crash course in customer relations.
'Raw and in their shells,' replied my wife with barely concealed
irritation in her voice.
She then enjoyed her meal and took the eggs home, which
comprised the main ingredient of a cake she baked.
And the moral of this story: 'don't mess with seniors,
we are seasoned campaigners.'

:wink:

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Marian
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:50 pm

This reminded of ordering of breakfast pancakes at one time in the U.S. I asked for one, and was told you cannot have one as they come in threes, but I only want one I said, that's okay, just leave what you don't want! :D

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Sun Oct 28, 2012 12:55 am

Marian that's wild! Some places you can get one but in reality that one is equal to three as the pancake is humongous!!

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Marian
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Oct 28, 2012 8:52 am

As are the pizzas in America Eman! :lol:

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karl
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by karl » Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:15 am

Talking of food in America, years ago we were walking on Mass Ave in Boston. Lunch hour had gone but we were hungry so walked into this restaurant.

There was only one elderly man sitting at the counter so we also sat there instead of a booth.

I orderered a club sandwich and potato skins to start. The server looked at me and said "The sandwiches are real big" I said "I know but I'm real hungry".

The potato skins arrived and then the sandwich, the old man look at me, looked at my sandwich, looked at me again and said "OH MY GAWD" !!!!

I never forgot that as it was really funny, his expression was priceless.

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:39 am

THE ETCHED EMENDATION

Brian takes a late-night shortcut through a graveyard
and is surprised to see the figure of a well-dressed man
appearing to be doing some work on a headstone:
'Bit late for that sort of thing,' announces Brian cheerily.
'There was no time to waste,' the figure assures him.
'They spelt my name wrong.'

:wink:

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Eman
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:43 pm

OMG.. yes Marian so true. I often wonder how many people could eat a pizza the size of a small kitchen table. I don't think I'd want to see a pizza for a few months. LOL

Keith that's classic loved it and appropriate for today. I had to use my inhaler to keep from coughing from laughing or I might be the one working on the headstone.

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:08 pm

FLAWED FORESIGHT

To the delight of the Irish authorities, oil (an estimated
1.5bn gallons) has been discovered off the coast of West Cork
near Barryroe, a townland (an Irish term that describes a tiny
region, or parish, where no town exists?) a few miles along the coast
from our golfing bolthole of Courtmacsherry.
Other coastal explorations are also possible sources of the black gold.
I can see the financial wizards in Dublin rubbing their hands
gleefully while declaring: 'Let's start a housing boom!'

:wink:

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