Today's Joke

Have you read something that you would like to share with others - now is your chance
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maxine
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Location: London area

Re: Today's Joke

Post by maxine » Wed May 21, 2014 11:34 am

ROBERT M. wrote:Hull City scored the two quickest goals in Cup Final history :) ................so close to going to penalties, but class told in the end (could see the winning goal coming)...................exciting game though :D :D ........................so close yet so far away :( :( :( :(

:cry: But 8) 8) for the first two goals....they did us proud :D
Softly, I will leave you softly
For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go.....

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu May 22, 2014 2:49 am

:) :)
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Thu May 22, 2014 7:29 am

TWO GALS MEET IN HEAVEN

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be
alive.

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Lena & Harry Smith
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Location: London UK

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Lena & Harry Smith » Thu May 22, 2014 7:33 am

Good one Marian :D :D

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Fri May 23, 2014 10:40 am

Yes very funny, Marian. Two birds killed with one freezer - :roll:

IRISHNESS(ISH)

When Paddy met up with his blind date he asked her:
'Are you Irish?'
She replied: 'No, I'm Dorrish; Irish is in bed wis 'nother chap.'

:wink:

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Eman
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Location: San Diego, CA USA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Fri May 23, 2014 11:38 am

Lol Marian and Keith

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Wed May 28, 2014 6:55 pm

PERSONAL PROFILING

A male passenger boards an aircraft at London Heathrow bound for New York.
As he settles into his seat his attention is drawn to a stunningly beautiful woman
heading towards his seat and bingo - she takes the vacant one beside him.
'Hello,' he ventures. 'Business trip or vacation?'
She smiles demurely and replies: 'Business. I'm going to attend the annual nymphomaniac
convention in the United States.'
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever clapped eyes on
sitting next to him, and she is going to a meeting for nymophomaniacs! Keeping a tight
lid on his mounting excitement he faux-nonchalantly enquires: 'What's you role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she declares. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really,' he offers interestedly, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she begins patiently, 'one popular misapprehension is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers
when actually it is men of Greek descent. We have also found the best potential lovers
are the Irish.' Suddenly the woman becomes obviously uncomfortable and reddens slightly.
'I'm sorry,' she whispers self-consciously, 'I shouldn't be discussing these matters with you;
I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' he states firmly, 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

:wink:
Last edited by keithgood838 on Thu May 29, 2014 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Eman
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Location: San Diego, CA USA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Wed May 28, 2014 7:36 pm

LOL Keith!!!

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ROBERT M.
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Location: Yorkshire, England

Re: Today's Joke

Post by ROBERT M. » Thu May 29, 2014 2:10 am

So funny Keith :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"My Tears Will Fall Now That You're Gone,
I Can't Help But Cry, But I Must Go On" :(

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu May 29, 2014 12:14 pm

Thanks guys; I was concerned that the joke was a too risque
for the forum but you have sent my worries scurrying away.
8)

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Eman
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Location: San Diego, CA USA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Thu May 29, 2014 5:46 pm

Don't Worry Keith, if you get to risque we'll let you know. I thought it was pretty funny!!

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keithgood838
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Re: Today's Joke

Post by keithgood838 » Thu May 29, 2014 7:16 pm

At least I am always on safe ground with Irish jokes, Eman.

Have you heard about the Irish teacher who thought circling the square
was the preoccupation of a mathematics streetwoman?

Or the Irishman who thought that bolt from the blue
was running away from a police constable?

Or the Irish millionaire who always takes a taxi when he sleep-walks?

:wink:

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Thu May 29, 2014 8:16 pm

If you are at the sea and an eel bites your knee..
That's a Moray.

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Eman
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Location: San Diego, CA USA

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Eman » Thu May 29, 2014 9:15 pm

Lol Keith and Marian!! :-)

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Marian
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Location: Reading. Berkshire.

Re: Today's Joke

Post by Marian » Sun Jun 01, 2014 1:17 pm

The manager of the Gaumount cinema down the High Street has just passed away. His funeral is next Thursday at 1.45, 4.50 and 7.25 with a late showing at 11.15. By family request, no popcorn in the church.

Woke up this morning to the birds tweeting outside....... how the heck did they get my Wi-Fi password ??!!

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