Today's Joke

[keithgood838]

POINT PROVING

A blonde decides 'to take arms against a sea of blonde jokes
and by opposing end them'. Forgive me Mr Shakespeare, but
how can one take arms against a sea? I digress.
Determined to demonstrate how capable blondes can be,
she embarkes on the task of major interior decorating
after her husband has left for the office.
He arrives back at 5.30 p.m. to an overwhelming homecoming
smell of freshly applied paint. He finds his wife lying on the living-room
floor, drenched in sweat. He also notices that she is wearing
a heavy parka and leather jacket. She tells him her motivation
to paint the house was to prove how smart blondes can be.
'But why are you wearing the parka and jacket?'
he enquires gently.
'Because,' she earnestly informs him,
'it says on the tin, for best results
PUT ON TWO COATS!'

Keith
(The joke is from the prolific Ed in Orlando,
and the adapted quote is from Hamlet, act three, scene one)

[keithgood838]

HAIL TO THE ALE! CHEER FOR THE BEER!
(a salute to Al Murray and other libatory philosophers)

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman
WARNING. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.

'Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but it doesn't go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Berry
WARNING. THe consumption of beer may cause you to tell your friends
repeatedly that you love them.

'To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group. Salvation in a can.' -
Dave Howell.
WARNING. The consumption may lead you to think you can converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.' - Frank Sinatra
WARNING. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

'24 hours in a day, 24 cans in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
WARNING. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


Keith
With a little help from Ed who nowadays manages to resist
the blandishments of the demon drink.

[keithgood838]

A series of new 'divine comedy' maxims is being
produced by the humour mill:


WAYSIDE PULPITS


Nazareth carpenter seeks joiners

Send God a knee-mail

Wrinkled by burders?
Come in for a free faith lift

When God saw you, it was love at first sight

CH..CH - what' s missing? UR

Fight truth decay

Rooney shoots but God saves


Keith
(More to follow if I am blessed)

[keithgood838]

RETAIL THERAPY
(in absentia)

A wife is on a once-in-a-lifetime shopping trip.
In the first shop she visits she finds the perfect shoes,
and in the second the dress of her dreams.
While wallowing in the third store in which every sale item
is reduced by 50 per cent, her mobile phone rings.
'Hello, it's the doctor at the hospital here; I'm afraid your husband
has been in a terrible car accident and we are treating him in the ICU.'
'I'll be there as soon as possible,' she assures the doctor.
However, her shopping expedition is going so well that she decides
to continue and ends it with coffee and chocolate cake.
Feeling guilty she rushes to the hospital.
She is greeted by the angry lady doctor in the corridor:
'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you?
I hope you are proud of yourself, while you were enjoying yourself
you poor husband was fighting for his life in the ICU. Well, he will
will need constant care for the rest of his life. It is the last shopping trip
you will ever make. He will now be your career.'
The wife feels so distraught, she breaks down.
The lady doctor then chuckles mischievously and says:
'I'm pulling your leg, he's dead.'
'Now show me what you bought.'

Keith
(via the inevitable email from Ed)

[keithgood838]

ACCESS ALL AREAS

A Revenue & Customs officer visits a farm and informs the landowner:
'I am here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.'
'Fine, but I recommend you don't enter that field over there,'
the farmer replies helpfully. The officer bristles haughtily at this
challenge to his powers and tells the farmer:
'Sir, I have the full authority of the government.'
He takes a badge from his pocket and shows it to the farmer:
'This badge,' he asserts pompously, 'entitles me to go wherever
I wish - no ifs, buts or maybes. Do you understand?'
The cowed (no pun intended) farmer nods in acquiescence
and returns to his chores while the officer hurries to investigate
the off-limits field.
Suddenly the farmer hears screams and sees the officer running for his life,
chased by the farm's bull which is gaining ground with every stride.
Keen to help, the farmer runs to the fence and shouts his advice:
'Your badge,' he cries. 'Show him your badge!'

Keith

[keithgood838]

I love these merry though unmelodic computer refrains,
courtesy of Ed, and not just because my computer doesn't
always dance to my discordant tune:

TRIALS of the TECHNOPHOBES
(harshly, PARADE of the TECHNOPRATS)

Tech Support: 'What kind of computer do you have?'
Customer: 'A white one.'

Tech Support: 'Good day, how can I help you?'
Male customer: 'Hello, I can't print.'
Tech Support: 'Would you click on 'start' for me and ...
Male customer: 'Listen pal, don't get technical with me.
I'm not Bill Gates.'

Customer: 'I have problems printing in red.'
Tech Support: 'Do you have a colour printer?'
Customer: 'Aaaah ... Thank you.'

Tech Support: 'What's on your monitor now?'
Customer: 'A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.'

Customer: 'I can't get on the internet.'
Tech Support: 'Are you sure you used the right password?'
Customer; 'Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.'
Tech Support: 'Can you tell me what the password was?'
Customer: 'Five dots.'

Tech Support: 'How may I help you?'
Customer: 'I'm writing my first email.'
Tech Support: 'Okay, what seems to be the problem?'
Customer: 'Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I put the little circle round it?'

A woman customer called the Canon help desk
about a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: 'Are you running it under Windows?'
Customer: 'No my desk is near the door but you make a good point;
the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine.'

And last but not least:
Tech Support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'p' to bring up the programme manager.'
Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'What do you mean?'
Tech Support: ''P' ... on your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!'

Keith

[mariana44]

Very funny Keith---actually , one of those rang a bell with me--I am not going to say which one, but I had something similar happen to me----long ago--when I was still learning how to use a computer !!

[Lena & Harry Smith]

Not that last one we hope Marian.

[mariana44]

Definately not the last one !!!!

[keithgood838]

HEDONISM ON HOLD

An elderly gentleman visits his doctor for his annual check-up.
'Remind me,' says the doctor. 'How old are you?'
'I'm eighty next birthday.'
'You're doing very well for your age.'
'What are my chances of reaching ninety?'
'Well, let me see. Do you smoke?'
'No.'
'Do you drink?'
'No.'
'Do you drive fast cars?'
'No.'
'Do you gamble?'
'No.'
'Do you have affairs?'
'No.'
'So tell me precisely what is the point
of living until you're ninety?'

Keith

[keithgood838]

Airlines in America are introducing lighthearted
comments into flight announcements. Ed has kindly emailed
me a long list thereof, which I propose to post in series format.

IN-FLIGHT FUNNIES

Following a hard landing in Salt Lake City,
a Southwest Airlines flight attendant announced:
'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault.
It wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the co-pilot's fault.
It was the asphalt.'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less that perfect landing:
'We ask you to remain seated while Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

IN-FLIGHT FUNNIES (cont)

A flight attendant's arrival announcement:
'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight:
'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane in on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

Keith

[keithgood838]

From Ed here is another gem,
one wonders just where he gets 'em.

SET for SCRAPPAGE

If my body were a car I would be thinking of trading it
in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches;
my bodywork has definitely lost its lustre. But that's not
the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus,
and I find it hard to see things close up.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours
to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh,
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Keith

[ROBERT M.]

very funny ending

[mariana44]

Does the ending ring a bell, Robert ??